Monthly Archives: November 2009

By Any Other Name, He's a Groovy Dane

Pulled this out and thought I’d share it*:

 

Beo-WOOF**

 

SCENE 1:

 

Heorot, the great hall of HROTHGAR. The King of the Danes is seated upon his throne, AESCHERE is at his side. UNFERTH and the DANISH WARRIORS are milling about in typical Viking fashion.

 

HROTHGAR: (visibly upset) Oh, great gods of the North. Why have you forsaken your chosen people and sent this horrible beast to prey upon us?

 

AESCHERE: My Lord. (leans closer to HROTHGAR, as if whispering in his ear) Perhaps one of your warriors have done something to anger Odin and the gods. (HROTHGAR lifts a hand as if to swat AESCHERE away. AESCHERE cowers) My Lord, I mean no disrespect, but–

 

Funky ’70s music can be heard. HROTHGAR looks around confused. He claps his hands and two DANISH WARRIORS march off stage. They return seconds later with FRED, DAPHNE, VELMA, SHAGGY and SCOOBY-DOO. The funky music gets louder, than stops.

 

HROTHGAR: Who are these strange travelers who come before me?

 

FRED: Hey. My name’s Fred. My friends and I were on our way to a really groovy barn dance and our van broke down. Do you guys have a phone we can use to call for–

 

HROTHGAR: Groovy! Barn dance! Van! PHONE!! WHAT ARE THESE STRANGE WORDS!!??!! Who sent you?

 

SHAGGY: Like, no one sent us, man. Like Freddie said, our van like broke down a few miles down the road.

 

AESCHERE: Perhaps, my Lord, this van they speak of is some kind of chariot.

 

HROTHGAR: (considering AESCHERE’s words) Perhaps. If you be pilgrims in my land, than you are welcome to stay in Heorot for the night. But be warned, the Danes are a cursed people.

 

SHAGGY and SCOOBY-DOO: C-c-c-cursed!!!!!

 

VELMA: Relax you two chickens. Who are you?

 

UNFERTH: (stepping between HROTHGAR and the kids) This is our king and lord. Hrothgar, the great king of the Danes. And this is his glorious hall: Heorot.

 

SHAGGY: Zoinks! King of the Danes…like, wow! Scoob, you’re a Dane, like a Great Dane at that. (laughs)

 

SCOOBY-DOO: (laughs hysterically…than stops and considers the joke) Ry ron’t ret it.

 

HROTHGAR: This is no time to laugh, strange furry man. Heorot is a cursed hall.

 

DAPHNE: Cursed? How?

 

UNFERTH: Our mighty king is plagued by Grendel.

 

VELMA: What’s a Grendel?

 

UNFERTH: Grendel is a hideous creature who comes out of the blackness around Heorot and slays the king’s mightiest warriors in the night. He is a plague and blight. He can not be stopped. (turns to HROTHGAR) We must abandon Heorot now, my lord, while some of us still draw breath.

 

FRED: Sounds like you have a ghost on your hands.

 

SHAGGY and SCOOBY-DOO: (shuddering, holding each other) A g-g-g-ghost!

 

HROTHGAR: (waves a dismissive hand) Grendel is no ghost. He is a demon. Flesh and blood like you or I.

 

SHAGGY and SCOOBY-DOO: (still cowering) A d-d-d-demon!

 

VELMA: Are you sure it’s a demon? It might be a ghost.

 

DAPHNE: Velma’s right. Maybe it’s a ghost demon.

 

FRED: We’ve faced ghosts before. Maybe we can solve this mystery for you.

 

HROTHGAR: ’Tis no mystery. ’Tis a curse. You are welcome to spend the night in my hall, but beware the claws of Grendel when the sun sets. (claps his hands) Let the night’s feast begin! If we are to die tonight, let it not be of hunger.

 

SHAGGY: Like, did he say feast?

 

Lights fade to black.

 

 

SCENE 2:

 

Later that night. SHAGGY and SCOOBY-DOO are still wearing the napkins from dinner around their necks.

 

HROTHGAR: Now that the feast has ended, let us retire for the night. Sleep well my brave warriors.

 

HROTHGAR closes his eyes and sleeps on his throne. UNFERTH and AESCHERE curl up in front of the king’s throne. The DANISH WARRIORS sleep wherever they can find space.

 

FRED: Okay gang, let’s get some sleep. Shaggy, you and Scoob go sleep over there (points across the stage) and the girls and I will sleep here.

 

SHAGGY and SCOOBY-DOO start to cross the stage. SHAGGY stops and looks back at FRED, DAPHNE and VELMA.

 

SHAGGY: Like, wait a minute, Freddie. Like how come I always get stuck with Scooby and you get to sleep with the girls?

 

FRED: (diplomatically) Come on, Shag. Someone has to protect the girls from this ghost. Besides, Scooby is YOUR dog. (SHAGGY considers this) Now, get your skinny stoner ass over there with your mutt and let me and the girls get some…sleep.

 

 

Lights fade to black.

 

 

SCENE 3:

 

Middle of the night. The stage is dark and everyone appears to be sleeping.

 

DAPHNE: Ohhh, Freddie.

 

FRED: Mmmmm. That’s right, Daph. Yeah. You know what I like.

 

DAPHNE: Put it right there. Right. There. Don’t stop.

 

VELMA: Oh, yes Daphne. Oh god…that’s SO GOOD!

 

DAPHNE: You like that?

 

FRED, DAPHNE, and VELMA moan with pleasure.

 

A crashing is heard off-stage, followed by a vicious snarling and growling sound.

 

AESCHERE: MY LORD! GRENDEL APPROACHES!!!!

 

The lights come on. HROTHGAR tosses aside his blanket and teddy bear and looks around. UNFERTH and the DANISH WARRIORS get to their feet, weapons ready. SHAGGY and SCOOBY-DOO wake up first. Across the stage, FRED, DAPHNE and VELMA are hidden under a blanket.

 

HROTHGAR: Unferth, go and warn the others. Bring every able-bodied warrior to me.

 

UNFERTH: (bowing) Yes, my lord. (exits)

 

SHAGGY: Like, what’s going on, man?

 

HROTHGAR: It is Grendel. He comes.

 

SCOOBY-DOO: Rendel? Re rums??

 

SHAGGY: Like oh man. (SHAGGY takes a pipe out of his pocket. He and SCOOBY-DOO smoke a bowl) Like, zoinks, Scoob.

 

SCOOBY-DOO: Reah, Raggy. (giggles) Roinks.

 

FRED, DAPHNE and VELMA emerge from their blanket. Their clothes and hair are in disarray. DAPHNE is wearing VELMA’s glasses.

 

FRED: Shag. Scoob. What’s going on?

 

SHAGGY: It’s like…y’know…like that Grendel guy. He’s like…here, Freddie.

 

VELMA: Hey. (takes her glasses back from DAPHNE) Give me those. I can’t see a thing without my glasses.

 

DAPHNE: (real flirtatious) You didn’t have a problem finding my–

 

FRED: DAPHNE!!

 

DAPHNE: Oh…ahem…right. So, where’s this demon?

 

FRED: Ghost.

 

VELMA: Demon ghost.

 

DANISH WARRIOR 1: My lord! Grendel approaches!!

 

GRENDEL enters, shambling like a B-movie monster from the ’50s. SHAGGY and SCOOBY-DOO grab each other and shiver. HROTHGAR stands, weapon raised. The DANISH WARRIORS charge.

 

GRENDEL: (growling) Hrothgar…Hrothgar…Leave this place. (DANISH WARRIOR 1 attacks GRENDEL with a spear) Foolish Dane! (he knocks the WARRIOR down) No one can stop Grendel!

 

DANISH WARRIOR 2: My lord, we need more men!

 

HROTHGAR: (swinging his sword over his head) Where is Unferth?

 

GRENDEL grapples with the remaining DANISH WARRIORS. SHAGGY and SCOOBY-DOO run around the stage in various directions. They finally hide behind the throne.

 

AESCHERE: (from behind the throne) Hey…get out of here. This is my hiding place.

 

SHAGGY: Like, relax, man. There’s plenty of room.

 

SCOOBY-DOO: Reah. Renty of room.

 

DANISH WARRIOR 2: Take that foul beast! (thrusts his spear at GRENDEL)

 

GRENDEL: (grabs his side) Ow…you sonuva–I, ah, I mean GROWL!! ROAR!! GRRRRrrrrrrrr!!

 

FRED: Hmmmm.

 

GRENDEL: GRENDEL WILL FEAST ON YOUR FLESH! CHEW ON YOUR BONES! WEAR YOUR SLIMY ENTRAILS AS A SCARF!! Ummm…USE YOUR STOMACH AS A HAT!!…yeah.

 

HROTHGAR: KEEP FIGHTING MEN!!

 

DANISH WARRIOR 3 and 4: DIE DEMON!!!! (both WARRIORS charge GRENDEL with their spears)

 

GRENDEL: (stumbling backwards) Oww…quit it. (pausing, as if remembering something) GRRRR. GROOOOOWL. ROAR!

 

SHAGGY: Like, what’s going on out there, Scoob.

 

GRENDEL lopes towards the throne.

 

SCOOBY-DOO: Ry ron’t row, Raggy.

 

SHAGGY: Like, why don’t ya take a look, pal.

 

SCOOBY-DOO peeks out from behind the throne just as GRENDEL reaches it.

 

SCOOBY-DOO: (waving sheepishly at GRENDEL) Heh heh…rello.

 

GRENDEL: GRRRRRR! (knocks throne over and reaches for SHAGGY, SCOOBY-DOO and AESCHERE)

 

SHAGGY: Zoinks! (He and SCOOBY-DOO jump up and run)

 

GRENDEL grabs AESCHERE by the legs and drags him off stage

 

DANISH WARRIOR 2: (lifting spear triumphantly) Run, foul creature.

 

DANISH WARRIOR 4: Think twice before invading the hall of King Hrothgar, creature.

 

DANISH WARRIOR 3: Umm…yeah…we RULE!

 

HROTHGAR: (adjusting his crown) Yes, my mighty warriors. You did well. Such strength. Such bravery. However, one of your number has fallen (points to DANISH WARRIOR 1 laying on the stage) and my trusted advisor has been taken.

 

UNFERTH enters, running. He is panting, out of breath.

 

HROTHGAR: Unferth! Where in the realm of Midgard have you been?

 

UNFERTH: (still panting) I am sorry, my lord. I was attacked from behind by the beast. By the time I came to, I heard your cheers of victory.

 

FRED: Hmmm.

 

DAPHNE: That’s the second time you said that.

 

FRED: Something doesn’t feel right.

 

VELMA: Jinkies. (points to the floor) Look you guys. (bends down and picks up a scrap of paper)

 

DAPHNE: What is it baby…I–uh–I mean, Velma.

 

VELMA: (studying paper) It’s a torn piece of paper…I’m not sure, but it looks like it came from a set of blueprints.

 

FRED: Hmmm.

 

VELMA and DAPHNE: STOP THAT!

 

FRED: Oh. Sorry. But I think I’ve finally gotten to the bottom of this little mystery.

 

HROTHGAR: ’Tis no mystery! ’Tis a curse!

 

FRED: Whatever. Come on, gang. I have an idea.

 

FRED, DAPHNE, VELMA, SHAGGY and SCOOBY-DOO exit. Lights fade to black.

 

 

SCENE 4:

 

The stage is empty. FRED, DAPHNE, VELMA, SHAGGY and SCOOBY-DOO enter.

 

FRED: Come on, Scoob. It’ll be easy.

 

SCOOBY-DOO: Ruh-uh.

 

VELMA: (holding up a box) Will you do it for a Scooby-Snack?

 

SCOOBY-DOO: (shakes his head) Ro.

 

VELMA: Two Scooby-Snacks?

 

SCOOBY-DOO: Rope.

 

FRED: Okay, Scoob. What DO you want? The whole box?

 

SCOOBY-DOO: Ruh-uh. (looks at DAPHNE, nods his head and pants)

 

DAPHNE: Oh no. No way, you little freak! (SCOOBY-DOO snickers) NO WAY IN HELL!!

 

SHAGGY: Like, if you’re offering Daph, I’ll, like, do it instead of Scoob.

 

DAPHNE: (hiding her face in her hands) Oh God…why me…WHY??

 

FRED: (whispering to DAPHNE) Relax, babe. Scooby’s neutered. Besides, Velma and I will make it up to you later.

 

DAPHNE sobs quietly as lights fade to black.

 

 

 

 

SCENE 5:

 

The following night. The stage is dimly lit. HROTHGAR and the DANISH WARRIORS are asleep. Snarling is heard off-stage, followed by the same crashing heard the night before.

 

GRENDEL enters.

 

GRENDEL: GRRR! ROAR! I AM GRENDEL. DEMON-SPAWN OF CAIN!! (GRENDEL grabs the nearest WARRIOR) Come with me mighty Dane.

 

(The lights come on to reveal that the WARRIOR is actually SCOOBY-DOO wearing a fake beard and a Viking helmet)

 

SCOOBY-DOO: Rurprise! (he licks GRENDEL)

 

GRENDEL: AHH!!

 

FRED: (from off-stage) NOW!

 

(DAPHNE and VELMA charge onto the stage and throw a net over GRENDEL)

 

GRENDEL: (struggling under the net) GRRR! I am Grendel! No mortal man can stop–

 

DAPHNE: (kicks GRENDEL) Oh, knock it off!

 

FRED enters.

 

DAPHNE: We got him, Fred.

 

FRED: Good job, gang. Uh…wait a minute…where’s Shaggy?

 

SHAGGY enters, a little unsteadily. He’s munching a bag of chips.

 

SHAGGY: Like sorry, gang. Got a little, like, y’know, distracted. Some of these wooden walls are, like, reeeeeally interesting.

 

HROTHGAR gets off his throne and approaches the captured GRENDEL. The DANISH WARRIORS follow.

 

HROTHGAR: Good work, brave travelers. However, my trusted Aeschere remains lost to us.

 

FRED: (arrogantly) Not exactly, Your Highness. Scoob.

 

SCOOBY-DOO runs off-stage, barking. He returns, dragging AESCHERE by his pants, or whatever it is Vikings wear.

 

HROTHGAR: Oh, by Odin’s mercy! Aeschere, my trusted advisor. You have been spared! Unferth! Unferth, come and see how Aeschere has survived his ordeal… (looking around) Unferth, where have you gone?

 

VELMA: (to HROTHGAR) You’re really very stupid, aren’t you?

 

HROTHGAR: I do not understand what you mean.

 

FRED: Aeschere is part of this. He’s Grendel’s partner.

 

HROTHGAR and the DANISH WARRIORS laugh hearty Viking laughs.

 

HROTHGAR: (still chuckling) I will never believe that.

 

AESCHERE: (sniveling like any self-respecting sycophant) My lord. Do not believe these strangers. They are servants of Loki. I had nothing to do with this. It was all him…all his idea…

 

Fade to black.

 

 

SCENE 6:

 

AESCHERE and GRENDEL are tied up together. FRED, DAPHNE, VELMA, SHAGGY and SCOOBY-DOO stand next to them. HROTHGAR looks on, obviously confused. The SHERIFF and his three DEPUTIES complete the group.

 

FRED: Here you go, Sheriff. Grendel and his partner.

 

VELMA: And, if I’m not mistaken, you’ll find that Grendel really isn’t a demon.

 

HROTHGAR: Of course he is a demon. He was sent by the gods to curse me and my great hall. He–

 

DAPHNE: Stop! Okay, just stop.

 

VELMA: (taking off GRENDEL’s mask and revealing it to be UNFERTH) See. It was a mask all along. Unferth and Aeschere were trying to scare everyone out of Heorot.

 

HROTHGAR: That can not be. Aeschere and Unferth were both in my hall when Grendel appeared.

 

FRED: No. They were in your hall when you first heard Grendel. You sent Unferth for help, remember?

 

SHAGGY: And that’s when he, like, put on his Grendel costume.

 

HROTHGAR: But how did we hear the creature if both of them were in my hall?

 

VELMA: With this. (reaches into AESCHERE’s clothes and pulls out a tape-recorder) Listen. (pushes button on the tape-recorder and the crashing and snarling noises are heard) Aeschere played the tape before each attack and then Unferth would run out to put on his costume.

 

HROTHGAR: But, Unferth was attacked by the beast.

 

FRED: (to HROTHGAR) God, you’re so fucking stupid! If Grendel wanted to kill your people, why did he just knock Unferth out and leave him? Huh? Why?

 

HROTHGAR: (a little befuddled) Well, Unferth is a brave and noble warrior. The demon was obviously frightened by his might and valor.

 

SHERIFF: Okay. So Unferth and Aeschere were partners in this whole Grendel business. But why?

 

VELMA: That’s easy Sheriff. (hands him the scrap of paper) Unferth dropped this during last night’s fight. It’s a blueprint…or a piece of one, at least.

 

SHERIFF: Blueprint, huh?

 

VELMA: Yes. For a Starbuck’s. The Starbuck’s corporation has been trying to break into the Danish market for sometime. They figure Vikings just can’t resist a moccachino. Aeschere knew that Starbuck’s tried to buy the land Heorot was built on from Hrothgar, but he wouldn’t sell.

 

SHAGGY: Right. So, like, Aeschere and Unferth cooked up this whole scheme to, like, scare Hrothgar away. Then they’d, like, sell the land to Starbuck’s.

 

DAPHNE: And make a fortune.

 

UNFERTH: And we would have gotten away with it, too, if–

 

FRED: Don’t. Don’t say it.

 

UNFERTH: (pleading) Oh come on…everyone else got to say it. Why can’t I? It’s not fair…it’s not–

 

FRED: Okay. Say it. But make it quick.

 

UNFERTH: (pleased with himself) Ahem…we would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you meddling kids and your nosey dog.

 

SHERIFF and his DEPUTIES take UNFERTH and AESCHERE off-stage.

 

HROTHGAR: How can I ever repay you, strange travelers. You have saved my kingdom.

 

FRED: Don’t worry about it, Hrothgar. It’s what we do.

 

HROTHGAR: Well, my friends. You are welcome to return to my great hall whenever you please. You will be treated as the brave and noble warriors that you are.

 

SHAGGY: Hey, like, thanks.

 

SCOOBY-DOO: Reah. Ranks.

 

HROTHGAR: No. Thank you, Scooby-Doo. I may be the King of the Danes, but you, Scooby-Doo, are truly a GREAT DANE.

 

FRED, DAPHNE, VELMA, SHAGGY, SCOOBY-DOO and HROTHGAR all laugh as the lights fade to black.

========================================

*: That’s what she said.

**: I neither own, nor claim to own, any of the characters used in this piece. Except the Sheriff. He was all mine.

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I Don't Care What You Think…

…this still makes me laugh like a 12-year-old…

Let's RE-Cast…THE FANTASTIC FOUR

A few months back, Disney bought Marvel Entertainment. Almost as soon as this was announced, Fox announced plans to reboot its Fantastic Four franchise, which (in case you don’t know) is based on a Marvel comic about the greatest superhero team ever assembled. Ever. The first two movies weren’t exactly critical or financial successes–partially, I think, because the public is retarded and people think that every comic book is dark and broody, like Batman, or tackles serious social issues, like X-Men. Personally, I thought these two movies–despite less-than-perfect casting and occasionally shaky special effects–captured the light, sitcom-like feeling that Stan Lee and Jack Kirby intended when they created the characters over forty years ago. So, while Fox tries to crank out one more movie before they lose the film rights to Disney, I thought I’d give them a hand and cast the thing for them.

The Plot: First of all, DO NOT RETELL THEIR FUCKING ORIGIN!!! Comic book movies that simply tell the origin of the heroes are lame. You waste two-thirds of the movie watching characters wander around and talking about shit before you actually get to see a costume or a fight. Lazy writers produce scripts that simply rehash the origin. (The only exception is Iron Man…because, let’s be honest, we all want to watch a dude build robot suits.) The Fantastic Four have no secret identities, so you use the opening credits to show them on a talk show or something, where they are forced to tell the story of Reed Richards’ failed experiment in space travel and how they were bombarded by cosmic rays and gained superpowers. Done. Now, let’s punch some fuckers.

The Cast: Like I said, some of the casting of the actual FF movies sucked. Some did not. Ioaaiuen Gryffiphaueuoud (did I forget a vowel or two?) was horrible as Reed. And, are we supposed to believe that enough years separate Jessica Alba and Chris Evans for the Storm siblings to have actually developed a parent-child relationship?

THE MAIN CAST

Hugh Laurie as Mister Fantastic/Reed Richards

Hugh Laurie is awesome, which is really the only excuse you need to cast him in anything. However, we’ve also seen that he can play the smartest guy in the room on House. And, for those of you who don’t remember anything past the last three years, I’m here to tell you that Laurie can do much more than cranky asshole, he’d capture Reed’s absent-minded professor shtick without breaking a sweat.

Tricia Helfer as The Invisible Woman/Susan Storm Richards

This just in: people do not die at twenty-nine. I know, Hollywood, I know…it’s a shock. I can tell you’re surprised because none of your movies seem to star people in their thirties. Look, Reed’s an older dude and he met Sue when he was in college. Ignoring the fact that Helfer is just plain awesome, she’s also shown that she can project the combination of strength, brains, and beauty that we need for Sue.

Michael Chiklis as The Thing/Benjamin J. Grimm

and Chris Evans as The Human Torch/Johnny Storm

When a casting decision works, there’s no reason to change it just to be different. Chiklis was created by the hand of God to play Ben Grimm. As for Evans…well, to be honest, I was nervous when he was first cast, but damn did he nail Johnny. Plus, the chemistry between these two actors was just pitch-perfect.

Rutger Hauer as Doctor Victor von Doom

You can’t have a Fantastic Four movie without Doctor Doom. But, why anyone would think turning the super-awesome iron-clad despot of Latveria into a narcissistic corporate wanker is beyond me. Doom chills in a castle, not a penthouse.

FRIENDS/ALLIES

Traylor Howard as Alicia Masters

Alicia–the blind sculptor who wins Ben’s heart and shows him that no matter what he looks like on the outside, he’s still the same man on the inside–is as much a part of the team/family as anyone.

Chiwetel Ejiofor as The Black Panther/King T’Challa of Wakanda

Black Panther–who is, in actuality, King T’Challa of Wakanda–has been an ally of the Fantastic Four for years. As the Operative in Serenity, Ejiofor has shown a quiet nobility, strength of purpose, and an aptitude for choreographed fight scenes.

Lindy Booth as Frankie Raye

Frankie Raye and Johnny Storm dated for a while in the FF comics (leading to at least one joke about the song). Their relationship was a bit rocky, because Frankie was deathly afraid of fire. Of course, the reason she was afraid of fire was because she secretly had flame-based powers similar to the Human Torch. Lindy has three things going for her: she has action experience from her time on The Famous Jett Jackson, she’s Canadian, and she’s a redhead.

THE VILLAINS (There are enough kick-ass FF villains to populate three or four movies, without resorting to idiotic, pandering cloud-monsters in space.)

Clint Howard as Mole Man/Harvey Elder

Mole Man was the first villain that the Fantastic Four ever faced, waaaaay back in 1961’s issue #1. While he may not be as iconic an enemy as Doctor Doom, I think his place in the team’s history needs to be recognized. Plus, any excuse to put Clint Howard in a movie.

Temuera Morrison as Prince Namor of Atlantis

What’s the deal with Namor? Is he villain or ally? Both, maybe? Either way, he’s an arrogant douchebag who takes every opportunity to try and bag Reed’s wife. I have no other reason for choosing Morrison to play Namor other than Jango Fett was kind of an arrogant douchebag, too.

Nestor Carbonell as Diablo/Esteban Corazón de Ablo

Diablo is a 9th century alchemist who, after making a pact with a demon, is granted extreme longevity. Surviving to the modern day, Diablo uses his alchemical skills to try to conquer the world. I just like Carbonell, he was awesome as Batmanuel on The Tick.

Lee Arenberg as Red Ghost/Ivan Kragoff

Ivan Kragoff was a Soviet scientist who intentionally exposed himself and three research apes to cosmic rays, granting them all superpowers. I will repeat that, in case you missed it: Apes. With. Superpowers. He kind of looks the part, so I’d be willing to see if Arenberg could provide a passable Russian accent.

Brad Dourif as Puppet Master/Phillip Masters

With the ability to create puppets through which he can control the living (hey, I am not making this shit up), Puppet Master has frequently pitted the Fantastic Four against friends and allies, as well as each other. He also happens to be the adoptive father of Alicia Masters. Why Dourif? Well, he’s awesome. Also, he’s spent a large percentage of his career playing a doll, so I figured it was time he got a chance to pull the strings, as it were.

Billy Campbell as The Wizard/Bentley Wittman

With a near-superhuman level intellect, The Wizard frequently uses his genius and inventions to prove that he’s better than Mister Fantastic. He even went so far as to assemble his own team, the Frightful Four. There’s just something about Billy Campbell that says “I’m really smart, but also really fucking evil.”

Jeffrey Combs as Ulysses Klaw

Physicist Ulysses Klaw has had run-ins with the Fantastic Four and Black Panther on several occasions, eventually joining the Wizard’s Frightful Four. As a being composed of solid sound, Klaw can not only project deadly sonic blasts, but he is also super strong. As an actor who has reanimated the dead and aided super-powered abductees, I think Combs could do Klaw justice.

Zeljko Ivanek as The Trapster/Peter Petruski

Another member of the Frightful Four, the Trapster is an expert chemist whose suit allows him to project a variety of powerful adhesives and lubricants, which he uses to trap his adversaries. Ivanek recently appeared on Heroes as a government agent obsessed with hunting and trapping individuals gifted with special abilities.

Adam Baldwin as Hydro-Man/Morris Bench

The fourth member of the Frightful Four, Hydro-Man has the ability to transform his body into a water-like substance, as well as the ability to control nearby bodies of water. Hydro-Man is a big dude who’s somewhat lacking in intellect; Adam Baldwin is a big dude who plays characters of varying intellect.

National Novel Writing Month: Week 1

So, Ashley has (repeatedly) asked me to blog more often. And, since she’s been pretty sick this past week, I thought the very least I could do was give her something to read.

Some of you may be aware that November is “National Novel Writing Month”–or, for those who are too fucking important to take the time to say the whole thing: NaNoWriMo. The basic idea is a whole bunch of people (only in the United States, I would assume, since it’s called “National”…if some of our friends in other countries are participating, mayhaps we should change the name, no?) pledge to write a brand-spanking-new novel of 50,000 words or more during the month of November. The idea is quantity, not quality. I’m pretty sure people who expect that they’ll craft the “Great American Novel that encapsulates the hopes, dreams, cares, and fears of an entire generation” crash and burn around the 13th.

I was going to participate last year, except I spent the first few days of November with my head in the toilet, which had a serious effect on my motivation. But, this year, I managed to get the ball rolling. Even managed to log about 8800 words in the first week. More importantly, I learned a few things:

1. My characters tend to swear. A lot. I came to this realization when I toyed with the idea of turning the thing into a YA novel. Still not 100% positive if I want it to be YA or not…which leads me to…

2. You can not, convincingly, portray a bunch of teenagers going off on globetrotting adventures. Even if an adult is present. Even if that adult is a legitimate parent or guardian (although, in my case, it was not). Maybe…maybe…said adventure could take place over the summer, but that’s pretty much it.

3. If I write a scene with someone wandering around sewer tunnels, they will fall in. At least once.

4. Writing scenes out of order is not as gut-wrenchingly terrifying as I thought. This may not be a big revelation for some people, but I’m a little bit OCD, so the thought of writing out of order fills me with dread. But, y’know what, it isn’t that bad. I might have to do it more often. (Update: I will probably not be doing this more often.)

 

That’s it for now. More next week. Maybe…

Enter Sandman

So, I survived an unseasonably muggy Halloween night dressed as Golden Age comic hero Sandman.

Here’s the proof:

Sandman1 Sandman2

 

Sandman3

 

Sandman4