Monthly Archives: January 2010

Assemble This

A few days ago, Marvel Comics announced their plans for the new direction they’ll be taking after the conclusion of the current Dark Reign/Siege storyline. After about a decade of a dark and depressing status quo that began with Avengers Disassembled and continued with Civil War, Secret Invasion, and Dark Reign, Marvel promises a return to an age of hope and optimism. A new age. A Heroic Age.

Now, this image has caused a lot of speculation…

…is this the new lineup for the Avengers? Maybe. Maybe not. Read the article. The story is not just about the Avengers, but all of Marvel’s heroes–the Avengers, the Fantastic Four (hello, Ben!), and more (Dr. McCoy, nice to see you…even if you’re still a fucking cat).

Now, like I said, this could be the new roster for the team–both the Thing and Beast have been part of the Avengers over the years–but, I’m not convinced. Mostly, because I have my own roster for the Avengers. It’s a little bit classic and a little bit modern. I don’t believe in thinking too far outside of the box for these things. The Avengers are Marvel’s preeminent heroes, you want the big guns–thinking otherwise leads to guys like Mon-El and Cyborg on the Justice League.

Here’s who I think should be on the new(ish) Avengers…

Captain America/Steve Rogers

Nothing against Bucky, he’s doing a damn good job, but Steve is Captain America. End of story.

Iron Man/Tony Stark

Tony’s got a lot to atone for…

Thor

At the moment, the thunder god is still exiled from Asgard, so Thor is a god without a home or a people. And, his current exile status may help him understand what Tony’s going through…allowing these two old friends to finally start the healing process.

Hawkeye/Clint Barton

Poor Hawkeye…he’s dead; he’s alive; he’s Hawkeye; he’s Ronin; he’s a widower; he’s not a widower.

Mockingbird/Bobbi Morse

I refuse to have Hawkeye without Mockingbird. Sue me.

Ms. Marvel/Carol Danvers

I don’t know much about Carol outside of her recent appearances in New Avengers, but…why wouldn’t you want her on the team?

Spider-Woman/Jessica Drew

See above. Also, my Avengers team is a Parker-free zone, so Jessica will be the only spider in town.

Stature/Cassie Lang

Not only has Cassie proven her worth on the Mighty Avengers, but as the daughter of the previous Ant-Man, she has that whole legacy thing going on.

Vision

An Avengers team without Vision is like a Justice League without Martian Manhunter. And, with Cassie on the team…well, wherever Timmy goes so goes Lassie.

Firestar/Angelica Jones

Yup.

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You’ll note a few things:

1. No Spider-Man.

2. No Wolverine.

3. No Sentry.

Let’s keep it that way.

#FridayFlash: Trolls Suck

Trolls Suck

Trolls suck.

Seriously.

They’re big. Like, really big. And they stink like a wet dog fed a steady diet of beans and rolled in week-old garbage. Add claws that can cut through concrete, teeth the length of my arm, and enough brute strength to rip your parents’ SUV in half with one hand. They also lack the intelligence God gave a lima bean. All of this make trolls perfect for pretty much just one thing: carnage.

Trolls are the favorite thugs of the more powerful residents of the Otherworld. And, since he ousted Lord Oberon and Lady Titania, the Erlking is not only the most powerful resident of the Otherworld, but he also really, really wants me dead.

Why would a sadistic elf want to kill a skinny fifteen year old kid from Glens Falls? I blame my uncle. Uncle Bryan is some kind of hotshot academic down in New York City. You’ve probably seen him on The History Channel or PBS or any number of other “educational” channels. But, no matter how busy he is, he never forgets his “favorite nephew.” He’s sent me stuff from South Africa, Egypt, Tokyo. One day, I come home from school—okay, Art Garvey and half of the JV baseball team chased me home, but that’s a whole different story—and there’s a package waiting for me from Uncle Bryan. And what did my globetrotting uncle send me, you ask? Well, it was a cap. A baseball cap. Sure, it was an awesome shade of vibrant green like nothing I’d ever seen before. But, it was still just a nondescript baseball cap.

Thinking about it now, I wish he’d sent me a snow globe.

I know what you’re thinking: “This kid’s a total prick. His uncle sends him stuff from all over the world and the little brat can’t even be grateful?” First of all, back off! Secondly, if it was just a baseball cap, I’d have been the happiest guy in the world. Okay, maybe not. The dude who gets to sleep with Shakira every night is probably the happiest guy in the world.

What?

Where was I? Oh, yeah…

The baseball cap. Okay, so it turns out this wasn’t just any old baseball cap. No, it was a freaking monster-magnet. I still don’t have all of the specifics nailed down yet, but apparently the cap contains the essence of Puck’s magic. Yes, that Puck. “If these shadows have offended” Puck. Except this Puck is real. Was real? Anyway, when I put the silly thing on, I can tap into Puck’s power—legitimate changeling magik—or it can tap into me. I’m not really sure which, and I don’t really want to think about it too much.

Either way, the Erlking wants Puck’s power—partly, I think, because he believes Puck knows where Oberon and Titania are hiding; but also because he’s a creepy, power-mad psycho who sends giant faerie assassins after teenagers.

On the upside, changeling magik is pretty sweet and, not to brag, but I think I’ve gotten the hang of most of it. Especially the shapeshifting. Turning your arm into a chainsaw? Awesome!

My name is Robbie Gwynn, I’m fifteen years old, and I have about nine hundred pounds of freshly butchered troll to dispose of.

Anyone out there have a van?

Back to Formula?!: If a Spidey Reboot Must Happen, Let's Do It Right, Kids.

Face it, boys and girls: a complete and total revamp of the Spider-Man movie franchise is going to happen. Is it a good idea? No, probably not. But, as long as a big time movie studio owns the rights to the characters and you do not, there’s really nothing we can do about it. Other than hope for the best.

As part of my tireless quest to make Hollywood better, I offer my thoughts and ideas about who should be cast in the “reboot.” Grab a helmet, here we go…

Tommy Knight as Peter Parker/Spider-Man

As a rule, I prefer to avoid casting non-North American actors as American superheroes. Personally, since I don’t think anyone would even think of casting Zac Efron as Harry Potter or Brad Pitt as James Bond, I see nothing wrong with this stance. However, Knight–best “known” for playing Luke in the Doctor Who spin-off The Sarah Jane Adventures–looks like he’d do a pretty damn good job as Puny Parker.

Taylor Swift as Gwen Stacy

and Molly C. Quinn as Mary Jane Watson

Here’s where I’m probably gonna lose a bunch of you guys. Hang on and let me explain this a little. Neither Gwen nor MJ were ever part of Peter Parker’s high school life. They’ve both been folded in through various other sources–cartoons, movies, Ultimate things. Personally, I liked what The Spectacular Spider-Man did with both of the characters, making Gwen Peter’s high school best friend/co-geek/crush and making MJ a little less of the girl next door and closer to her “Face it, Tiger” roots. (Yes, I know this is at least the second time I’ve chosen Quinn for one of these movies…dammit, I will not rest until she’s in a comic book movie.)

Chace Crawford as Harry Osborn

I’ll be honest, I have no idea when Harry Osborn went from being Brillo-headed Melvin to broody heartthrob, but that’s how most people see him these days. From what I hear of this Crawford kid, he’s kind of got the rich snot thing down, so let’s go with it.

Jordan Hinson as Liz Allen

Finally, a girl that Peter Parker actually went to high school with. From a character standpoint, I wouldn’t know Liz Allen if I tripped over her. But, I do like Eureka’s Hinson and would like to see her in more stuff (or have her do more things that I’m interested in watching, at the very least).

Cory Monteith as Eugene “Flash” Thompson

The Flash in the first Spider-Man movie was more juicehead douchebag date-rapist than BMOC jerk. I’d probably never be friends with Flash, but in the end he isn’t really a bad guy. Just a jerk. On Glee, Monteith plays a guy who could very easily go down the “jerky popular guy” road (thank god for the healing power of glee club, kids).

Kathryn Joosten as May Parker

Joosten is a favorite actress among the folks who frequent my corner of the Internet. How could you not love the actress who played Mrs. Landingham on The West Wing and Old Lady God on Joan of Arcadia? A clue: you can’t.

Alexis Bledel as Betty Brant


I offer no justification for this choice other than: she’s Alexis Bledel. Alexis. Bledel. Moving on…

J.K. Simmons as J. Jonah Jameson

Like my pal Rich said, you do not mess with perfection.

Kevin Spacey as Norman Osborn/The (eventual) Green Goblin

I love Willem Dafoe. The dude is seven kinds of awesome. But, from day one, the only name I ever associated with a feature film version of Ol’ Brillo-head, Sr. was Kevin Spacey. I can’t really explain it…other than the hair. Also, let’s not rush Osborn’s decline into foamy-mouthed madness. The Green Goblin is, arguably, Spider-Man’s greatest nemesis (suck it, Venom), so there’s no reason to waste him in just a single movie.

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As for possible villains in the new movie, I give you:

Giovanni Ribisi as Max Dillon/Electro

I was trying to think of an actor who could play both pathetic schlubby loser and slightly insane criminal and Ribisi’s name just sorta popped in there. Then, I realized he basically played Electro in an episode of The X-Files. Geek win!

Brendan Gleeson as Dr. Otto Octavius/Doctor Octopus

Personally, I’ve always seen Doc Ock as a somewhat…*ahem*…physically substantial individual.

Bruce Campbell as Quentin Beck/Mysterio

You’ll never convince me that Raimi wasn’t building up to casting Campbell as Mysterio somewhere along the line. Thank God I’m here. The idea of Campbell playing former stunt man/special effects expert-turned-criminal is just too good to pass up. But, if we can’t get Bruce for some reason, I’d be happy with Adam Savage.


I'm With CoCo!

BITE ME, LENO!

SUCK IT, NBC!

I’M WITH COCO!

Art courtesy of Mike Mitchell.

She's Coming Home!

Today started off as any other. Got up. Went to work. Moved papers from one side of my desk to another. Then I looked at the Internet and saw something that may or may not have made be squee.

Everyone who reads comics knows that dead doesn’t mean dead. Superman. Green Lantern. Jean Grey. They’ve all died and come back to life. The real question isn’t “If?” it’s “When and how?” The past few months have seen the return of characters like Barry Allen, Conner Kent, and Bart Allen. Steve Rogers has recently returned from the dead, even if he has yet to return to the mantle of Captain America. Even Batman is coming back. (You’ll note I didn’t say “Bruce Wayne is coming back.” No disrespect to Dick Grayson, but only one man deserves to use the name Batman.)

Anyway…this is all well and good. I like having Steve back. And Conner and Bart. But, there is one character whose return has been on my annual wish list since she heroically sacrificed herself to save the planet over five years ago. And, today Marvel Comics announced that this particular character will, in fact, be returning in March.

I’m going to leave it at that. If you know me, you know who I’m talking about.

And she’s coming home.

Is It Me…

…or does Matt Smith’s Eleventh Doctor–

–look more than a little bit like Crispin Glover’s George McFly from Back to the Future?

I just hope, at some point in the fifth season, some vile alien menace grabs new Companion Amy Pond (Karen Gillan)*–

–forcing the Doctor to declare: “Hey you…get your damn hands off her!”

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*: Yes, I know I didn’t need to include a picture of Amy…but, it’s my blog, so I get to do whatever I want.