Back to Formula?!: If a Spidey Reboot Must Happen, Let's Do It Right, Kids.

Face it, boys and girls: a complete and total revamp of the Spider-Man movie franchise is going to happen. Is it a good idea? No, probably not. But, as long as a big time movie studio owns the rights to the characters and you do not, there’s really nothing we can do about it. Other than hope for the best.

As part of my tireless quest to make Hollywood better, I offer my thoughts and ideas about who should be cast in the “reboot.” Grab a helmet, here we go…

Tommy Knight as Peter Parker/Spider-Man

As a rule, I prefer to avoid casting non-North American actors as American superheroes. Personally, since I don’t think anyone would even think of casting Zac Efron as Harry Potter or Brad Pitt as James Bond, I see nothing wrong with this stance. However, Knight–best “known” for playing Luke in the Doctor Who spin-off The Sarah Jane Adventures–looks like he’d do a pretty damn good job as Puny Parker.

Taylor Swift as Gwen Stacy

and Molly C. Quinn as Mary Jane Watson

Here’s where I’m probably gonna lose a bunch of you guys. Hang on and let me explain this a little. Neither Gwen nor MJ were ever part of Peter Parker’s high school life. They’ve both been folded in through various other sources–cartoons, movies, Ultimate things. Personally, I liked what The Spectacular Spider-Man did with both of the characters, making Gwen Peter’s high school best friend/co-geek/crush and making MJ a little less of the girl next door and closer to her “Face it, Tiger” roots. (Yes, I know this is at least the second time I’ve chosen Quinn for one of these movies…dammit, I will not rest until she’s in a comic book movie.)

Chace Crawford as Harry Osborn

I’ll be honest, I have no idea when Harry Osborn went from being Brillo-headed Melvin to broody heartthrob, but that’s how most people see him these days. From what I hear of this Crawford kid, he’s kind of got the rich snot thing down, so let’s go with it.

Jordan Hinson as Liz Allen

Finally, a girl that Peter Parker actually went to high school with. From a character standpoint, I wouldn’t know Liz Allen if I tripped over her. But, I do like Eureka’s Hinson and would like to see her in more stuff (or have her do more things that I’m interested in watching, at the very least).

Cory Monteith as Eugene “Flash” Thompson

The Flash in the first Spider-Man movie was more juicehead douchebag date-rapist than BMOC jerk. I’d probably never be friends with Flash, but in the end he isn’t really a bad guy. Just a jerk. On Glee, Monteith plays a guy who could very easily go down the “jerky popular guy” road (thank god for the healing power of glee club, kids).

Kathryn Joosten as May Parker

Joosten is a favorite actress among the folks who frequent my corner of the Internet. How could you not love the actress who played Mrs. Landingham on The West Wing and Old Lady God on Joan of Arcadia? A clue: you can’t.

Alexis Bledel as Betty Brant


I offer no justification for this choice other than: she’s Alexis Bledel. Alexis. Bledel. Moving on…

J.K. Simmons as J. Jonah Jameson

Like my pal Rich said, you do not mess with perfection.

Kevin Spacey as Norman Osborn/The (eventual) Green Goblin

I love Willem Dafoe. The dude is seven kinds of awesome. But, from day one, the only name I ever associated with a feature film version of Ol’ Brillo-head, Sr. was Kevin Spacey. I can’t really explain it…other than the hair. Also, let’s not rush Osborn’s decline into foamy-mouthed madness. The Green Goblin is, arguably, Spider-Man’s greatest nemesis (suck it, Venom), so there’s no reason to waste him in just a single movie.

================================================

As for possible villains in the new movie, I give you:

Giovanni Ribisi as Max Dillon/Electro

I was trying to think of an actor who could play both pathetic schlubby loser and slightly insane criminal and Ribisi’s name just sorta popped in there. Then, I realized he basically played Electro in an episode of The X-Files. Geek win!

Brendan Gleeson as Dr. Otto Octavius/Doctor Octopus

Personally, I’ve always seen Doc Ock as a somewhat…*ahem*…physically substantial individual.

Bruce Campbell as Quentin Beck/Mysterio

You’ll never convince me that Raimi wasn’t building up to casting Campbell as Mysterio somewhere along the line. Thank God I’m here. The idea of Campbell playing former stunt man/special effects expert-turned-criminal is just too good to pass up. But, if we can’t get Bruce for some reason, I’d be happy with Adam Savage.


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10 responses to “Back to Formula?!: If a Spidey Reboot Must Happen, Let's Do It Right, Kids.

  1. I would love it if Alexis Bledel retired from the profession and found something far more suited to her wooden expressions, utterly flat line delivery, unconvincing attempts at “characterization”, and bad posture.

  2. That would pretty much wipe out about 75-90% of Hollywood, in general.

  3. Right you are, Dan.

    I would vote for wiping out 3/4 of Hollywood (from their professions) in a heartbeat, except then I would miss the bad movies I’ve spent my life learning to enjoy.

  4. I just have one thing to say about this: UGH.

  5. But…Zoe Carter!

  6. Yes. But I am so frustrated and appalled and fed up with this whole idea that I can’t even bear to think about it. I mean, seriously? SERIOUSLY?

  7. I’m waiting for the day when a movie reboot actually starts in the middle of the original movie. Just, all of a sudden–BANG–all of the actors are different/younger and the movie just keeps going.

    Mark my word, the day will come…

  8. That day came long ago, Dan, just not in a “big” movie. In Ray Dennis Steckler’s ” Rat Pfink a Boo Boo” from the early 60s, it starts out as a gritty-realistic crime film until the boyfriend of the mugging victim and a pal go into the closet.

    They emerge in costume as SUPERHEROES, and from there on the film does an immediate 180 and continues as a wacky live-action cartoon, with songs!

  9. WOW Dan, good casting! I say leave your job and start a movie studio now. Ha. Fantastic.

  10. Ha! Sure thing, Carrie. You have a few grand I can borrow?

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