Category Archives: polls and lists

Captain Whiz Bang: Five Actresses Who Could Play Captain Marvel

With Marvel’s recent announcement of a Captain Marvel movie coming our way in 2018, the hunt is on for an actress to fill the lead role of Carol Danvers, the USAF pilot-turned-superhero.

Here are five actresses who could do some serious damage as Captain Marvel.

1. Katee Sackhoff

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If there’s a female version of Nathan Fillion, it’s Sackhoff. Her name is tossed around any project with even the slightest hint of “geek appeal.” Kara “Starbuck” Thrace, Sackhoff’s Battlestar Galactica character, is the spiritual cousin of Carol Danvers: a hotshot pilot ready to punch her way out of any problem that her mouth gets her in.

2. Yvonne Strahovski

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Strahovski, like Sackhoff, has already played a Danvers-esque character on television. Chuck‘s Sarah Walker punched, kicked, and shot her way through spies and assassins. If there’s one difference between Walker and Starbuck, it’s that Strahovski played her role with a little less insubordination.

3. Jennifer Morrison

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Perhaps best known for her work on House and How I Met Your Mother, Jennifer Morrison has spent the last several years fighting dragons and evil queens on Once Upon A Time. Morrison could bring a more world-weary, seen-it-all approach to Carol.

4. Katheryn Winnick

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Vikings‘ Winnick has expressed an interest in entering the Marvel Cinematic Universe, going so far as to post some fanart. Not only is Winnick experienced with action roles, but she’s also a skilled martial artist in what you people call “the real world.”

5. Jeri Ryan

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Jeri Ryan certainly has the genre cred. She’s also known for playing powerful, no-nonsense women capable of holding their own in a room full of men. How much would you be willing to pay to see Ryan’s Danvers go toe-to-toe with RDJ’s Tony Stark?

Honorary Mention: Natalie Dormer

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There’s a fairly vocal group of Dormer fans pushing for her to land the role of Captain Marvel. Personally, I’d rather see her play the Enchantress. But, that’s just me.

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After Ultron: What I Would Like to See from Future Avengers Movies

Kevin Feige, the president of Marvel Studios, recently said that the studio has Marvel movies planned as far as 2028. This may seem ambitious to some, downright insane to others. Personally, I think it could work. And, before everyone starts using words like rebootrecast, and whatever other r-words have become hopelessly spot-welded to conversations about movie franchises, I’ll give you two very good reasons why it could.

First, there is a lot of source material that Marvel can work with. A lot. And, if this summer’s Guardians of the Galaxy rakes in an astronomical amount of cash, that’s pretty much a giant green light for Marvel to go ahead and mine some of its more esoteric characters (and, believe me, I have a list).

Second, if you consider the Avengers movies as “the point” of the Marvel Cinematic Universe–that every other movie Marvel makes is either a lead-in to, or a denouement of, an Avengers movie–then I have great news for you. The Avengers has–and has always had–a rotating roster. (This is something that Feige and Friends sorta implied way back around the time the first Avengers movie was coming out.) So, even if Robert Downey, Jr. doesn’t sign a new contract or Chris Evans takes an extended break from acting, that doesn’t mean there can’t be any more Avengers movies.

So, after Phase Three is complete and we have an Avengers trilogy, I present to you Phase Four: The Era of the New Avengers.

You have two characters who can serve as a linchpin for a new roster of Avengers (three, depending on how that whole Netflix thing shakes out): Falcon and Bucky. So, you bring back Anthony Mackie as Sam Wilson/Falcon and Sebastian Stan as Bucky Barnes/Winter Soldier/Captain America.

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From here, I’d add Terry Crews as Luke Cage,

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Meghan Ory as Jessica Drew/Spider-Woman,

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Beth Riesgraf as Bobbi Morse/Mockingbird,

 

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and Yvonne Strahovski as Carol Danvers/Captain Marvel.

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That’s it. That would be my Avengers team for a second trilogy of movies.

Looking Back…Recasting JUSTICE LEAGUE

One of the first casting posts that I ever wrote–waaaaay back in 2008–was for a Justice League movie. Now, while DC and Warner Brothers continue to spin their wheels, Marvel makes all of the movie money. Why? Why is it so hard for DC to get its cinematic act together? Sure, some of you might say that DC should focus on making good comics (and maybe not hiring vile bigots, while they’re at it), but that isn’t the world we live in. The 21st century is all about multimedia synergy. Let’s face it, comic book movies are here to stay, so we might as well make the best of them.

Now, I have been a proponent of thinking a bit outside of the box with a Justice League movie, quietly hoping that a League movie would feature Blue Beetle, Booster Gold, Fire, Ice, and several other lesser-known DC heroes (even though Marvel recently poached my Guy Gardner). However, we all know that DC is going to want to highlight their top talent in a Justice League movie, which is why I’m here to reevaluate a movie starring the “Big Seven.”

The Plot: One word: Starro. Yes, everyone wants the villain in this movie to be Darkseid. But, let’s face it, Darkseid is a pretty big deal. Do you want to shoot your wad that early? No. Plus, Starro gives you a nice body-snatcher thing to work with.

The Cast:

Brandon Routh as Superman/Clark Kent

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I know, I know. Superman Returns. Look, I did not love everything about that movie (Superman as a deadbeat dad, I’m lookin’ at you!), but Routh was pretty good. I’d give him a second shot at playing the big blue boy scout in a heartbeat.

Ian Somerhalder as Batman/Bruce Wayne

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Time to wash the taste of those awful Nolan movies out of our mouths. Somerhalder appeared in an early season of Smallville as a bait-and-switch Bruce Wayne named Adam Knight. Now he’s in a show about vampires, which kinda works with the whole bat motiff.

Jaime Murray as Wonder Woman/Princess Diana

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Watch Murray on Warehouse 13, then come back to me and tell me you don’t want her to play the Amazon warrior.

Lance Reddick as Martian Manhunter/J’onn J’onzz

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This is what I wrote in 2008–

On The Wire, it almost seemed like Reddick was able to read everyone’s minds, so who better to play the telepathic Martian Manhunter? Can’t you just hear Reddick’s deep, authoritative voice rumbling through the theater’s speakers the first time J’onn’s voice is heard inside someone’s mind? Besides, he kind of looks like the revamped Manhunter.

–and I stand by that today.

Shawn Ashmore as The Flash/Wally West

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The Ashmore brothers have had their way with superhero properties for quite some time. Shawn has played Iceman in three (soon to be four) X-Men movies and Aaron played Jimmy Olsen on several seasons of Smallville. (Shawn also appeared in two episodes of Smallville as meteor freak Eric Summers.) Anyway, I think Ashmore has what it takes to bring Wally West to life.

Aldis Hodge as Green Lantern/John Stewart

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So many Lanterns to choose from . . . Using the Green Lantern who was one of the main characters of the popular Justice League cartoon seems like a safe bet. In addition to his military training, I’d love to see this portrayal also focus on Stewart’s architecture background. And, let’s face it, Aldis Hodge is just waiting for his shot at stardom.

Dan Stevens as Aquaman/Arthur Curry

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Aquaman is a reluctant king. He’d much rather be out and about, punching supervillains and saving the day, then sitting in a room full of government ministers. On Downton Abbey, Stevens’ Matthew Crawley wanted nothing more than to practice law until circumstances handed him an estate to run. Replace “practice law” with “punching supervillains” and “estate” with “underwater kingdom” . . . and Aquaman and Matthew Crawley are practically the same dude.

2012: The Year In…

Usually, I write up a bunch of Top 10 lists to end the year. Unfortunately, as some of you may know, I had a bit of a meteorological problem a few months back and lost all of the notes I had been keeping regarding my year in entertainment. So, instead of four separate Top 10 lists, I’m just going to give you all one post where I info-dump everything I can recall about what I liked this year.

BOOKS:

The Night Circus, by Erin Morgenstern

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There’s a reason the haunted/otherworldly traveling circus/carnival has been used as a setting for stories more times than I can remember. That reason is: It works! Morgenstern’s novel revolves around the doomed love between the apprentices of two feuding sorcerers; however, for me, the best parts were about the goings-on at the Night Circus itself, particularly the story of circus-born twins Poppet and Widget.

Cold Days, by Jim Butcher

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Here’s the deal: Jim Butcher releases a Harry Dresden novel and it goes on the Best of list for that year. End of story. I feel about this series the way a lot of people feel about the Harry Potter series.

The Mark of Athena, by Rick Riordan

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I really do love the kids from Camp Half-Blood. I’ve been amazed at Riordan’s ability to weave genuine Greek myth into a modern setting since The Lightning Thief, but the mythology geek in me was blown away by the way he’s decided to address the whole Greek god/Roman god quandary.

Phoenix Rising, by Pip Ballantine and Tee Morris

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Phoenix Rising is the first book in the Ministry of Peculiar Occurrences series. The best way I can explain it is to compare it to that episode of Warehouse 13 where we got a glimpse of what it was like when H.G. worked as a Warehouse agent in Victorian England. Eliza Braun is a dynamite-loving, armored corset-wearing Ministry field agent who finds herself saddled with a new partner: the prim and proper archivist Wellington Books. Needless to say, there are steampunk-fueled shenanigans aplenty.

Ready Player One, by Ernest Cline

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I’m always wary of anything that’s held up as “OMG Like Totally The New Bible of Geek Culture!!!!!111!!!1!!” Nine times out of ten, I can see the oily, pandering fingerprints of someone’s marketing department all over them. This is not the case with Ready Player One. A joy from start to finish, RP1 never felt like it was just trying to cash in on “geek culture” with a few carefully placed references to Star Wars or video games–other than a rather obvious “OMG HE KNOWS WHAT THE INTERNET IS!!!!!” reference to Wil Wheaton.

TELEVISION:

Gravity Falls (Disney Channel)

I’m not really sure what to say about Gravity Falls. I will say that, as far as I’m concerned, it’s the best thing to come from the Disney Channel since Kim Possible. It’s also leagues better than anything I’ve been able to find on Cartoon Network in a long time.

The Legend of Korra (Nickelodeon)

The Legend of Korra is as different from The Last Airbender as a show could possibly be. Set in the generation following A:TLA, Korra focuses on the new Avatar, a waterbender named Korra. Aang’s world was a world of feudal states, kings, and farmers; Korra’s world is a world of industry, airships, and steam power. The animation has matured, becoming less stylized than the designs used in TLA, and the writing has matured, as well, presenting a darker storyline than that of the original series. Bring on the second season!

Bunheads (ABC Family)

Let’s face it, you are never going to recreate the adorable charm and whimsy of Gilmore Girls. Not gonna happen. But, with Bunheads, Amy Sherman-Palladino returns to what made GG so good, a town full of maniacs. Riding a Northern Exposure-like wave, Bunheads replaces a New York doctor with a Vegas showgirl, and small-town Alaska with small-town California. Yes, Sutton Foster’s Michelle is a cynical, slightly edgier version of Lorelai Gilmore, but you fall in love with her just the same. And, if your heart doesn’t melt when shy, awkward Boo finally dances with Carl–to “Rainbow Connection”, at that!–then you have no soul.

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Finally, I’d like to take this time to thank the creators, cast, and crew of Leverage for five seasons of pulp goodness. This was a show that pushed every single button I have, sometimes at the same time. Never has it felt like a group of people sat down and decided to make something solely for my enjoyment. Thank you. All of you. Thank you.

MOVIES:

Avengers

I paid to see this movie in the theater three times. I have never done that before and probably won’t do it again. (Okay, maybe I’ll do it for Avengers 2…only time will tell.) The point is: this is the movie I have been waiting for since the night I saw X-Men.

Skyfall

I’ve not been a big fan of the Daniel Craig Era of James Bond; I miss the camp-fueled insanity of Classic Bond. Skyfall did a good job of taking a lot of the tropes from the older Bond movies and either incorporating them wholesale (could Javier Bardem’s villain be any more like Christopher Walken in A View to a Kill?) or, at least, tipping its hat to them. I’m a tad annoyed that the new Q looks like a background character from Portlandia or Flight of the Conchords…but, the new Moneypenny? Yes. More of the new Moneypenny, please.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

A lot of people are all cranky about making one book into three movies. As someone who can read, I realize that so much shit happens between the lines in that book that you could probably turn The Hobbit into a six-season series HBO. Also, and this is the heart of the matter, Peter Jackson can make a Middle-earth movie every year until he dies and I will pay money to see that shit. Why? Because they are just so damned pretty.

Moonrise Kingdom

Moonrise Kingdom manages to be like every other Wes Anderson movie ever made and unlike every other Wes Anderson movie ever made. Visually, musically, verbally, Moonrise Kingdom uses all of the standard Anderson tropes. But, where it differs from–and, I’d argue, surpasses–Anderson’s other movies is innocence. Moonrise Kingdom is his most innocent film to date. It’s utterly charming, without resorting to the usual undercurrent of snark, dysfunction, and melancholia that you usually find in a Wes Anderson movie.

The Cabin in the Woods

The Cabin in the Woods is what it must have been like to be inside Joss Whedon’s brain while he was creating Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Brave

Brave was the most fun that I’ve had in a Pixar movie since The Incredibles. I’m glad that the good folks at Pixar are still able to make a movie that doesn’t reduce grown men to blubbering, emotionally-destroyed shells of their former selves (I’m lookin’ at you, Up). Bows! Gingers! Scots! This movie had it all.

COMICS:

Daredevil

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I’ve always liked Daredevil. I’ve also always been confused as to why the only kind of Daredevil books that sell are ones that follow Frank Miller’s Watchmen-ization of the character. Daredevil is a guy who jumped from rooftop to rooftop in bright red and yellow tights. Grim and broody he is not. And that is why I want to thank Mark Waid. Yes, Matt Murdock’s life has been absolute shit for the last few years, but he realizes if he doesn’t lighten up, he’s gonna wake up one day and swallow a bullet. Mark Waid is responsible for making Daredevil a swashbuckler again and we should all send him a muffin basket.

Captain Marvel

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I can’t gush enough about this book. I love Carol Danvers. I loved her when she was Ms. Marvel and, if it’s possible, I love her even more since she was “promoted” to Captain Marvel. Kelly Sue DeConnick can do no wrong (as far as I’m concerned, Marvel Comics is just KSD and Mark Waid in a tiny room with some artists, cranking out comics).

Indestructible Hulk

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Just like he did with Daredevil, Mark Waid offers up a Hulk concept that’s so simple it should have occurred to someone ages ago. Bruce Banner, annoyed that Tony Stark and Reed Richards get all the credit for using their big brains to make the world a better place, agrees to work for SHIELD. He will invent amazing shit for them every day and, if he ever needs to blow off some steam, SHIELD tells him where to aim the Hulk. Simple. Amazing.

Avengers Assemble

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Avengers Assemble is a no strings attached title for folks who just want to see the Avengers being superheroes. It started as an obvious tie-in to the Avengers movie (the team consisted of Iron Man, Captain America, Hulk, Thor, Black Widow, and Hawkeye), but has since found a nice balance between being in and out of continuity at the same time–the characters behave like their standard Marvel Universe counterparts, but the stories seem to take place without regard to what is happening in the other Avengers titles. As far as I’m concerned, this is the only Avengers title Marvel needs. While I’m sending Waid that muffin basket, I should order a second one for Kelly Sue DeConnick.

Dungeons & Dragons

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John Rogers, the co-creator of TV’s Leverage, shows that a group of competent, bickering characters can work in any genre.

The Sixth Gun

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The other day, it occurred to me that The Sixth Gun is, basically, the western equivalent of Hellboy. The mythology that Cullen Bunn is creating around the six eldritch revolvers and the various characters hellbent on acquiring them is as layered and complex as anything that Mike Mignola has come up with. Gunslingers. Zombies. Wendigos. Voodoo spirits. Secret Societies. Golems. Mummies. If you want it, it’s probably in an issue of The Sixth Gun.

Let’s Cast…JUSTICE LEAGUE

Look, it was inevitable. As soon as Marvel’s Avengers made ALL THE MONEY, it was only a matter of time before DC announced that they, too, would be bringing their premiere super team to the big screen. At one point (say, about a decade ago, when DC had first started working on a Justice League movie), I would have entertained the notion of a JLA movie with Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, and the other big guns of the DC Universe. Frankly, by now, I’m sort of sick of Hollywood’s interpretation of these characters.

No. I say go another way. I say draw on the characters from Justice League International.

Picture it: Ted Kord has given up heroics, planning on spending the rest of his days making Kord Industries the leader in advanced technology. One night, a shipment of prototypes from KI is intercepted while passing through a lonely section of Texas. Teenager Jaime Reyes, seeing the accident, stops to help, only to inadvertently become the new Blue Beetle. Kord calls his old friends (Booster Gold, Guy Gardner, and Vixen), as well as younger heroes Fire, Ice, and the Atom, to help track down those responsible for the theft and to help mentor Reyes. Using his vast resources, Kord decides to fund this collection of heroes. This…Justice League.

Starring:

Joe Morton as Ted Kord/Blue Beetle II

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Every week on Eureka, Joe Morton brings the right mix of humor, warmth, and intelligence that I’d want to see in Ted Kord.

Chris Pine as Michael Jon Carter/Booster Gold

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You need a certain charm, a certain swagger to play the disgraced athlete from the future who traveled back in time to make a name for himself as a hero. I think Pine has that in spades. I’d cast Will Arnett as the voice of Booster’s robot sidekick, Skeets. Just because.

Freema Agyeman as Mari Jiwe McCabe/Vixen

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I wasn’t sure if I wanted to include Vixen…but, then I thought: Freema! And, if you don’t need more Freema in your life, then you’re doing something wrong.

Chris Pratt as Guy Gardner/Green Lantern

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Guy Gardner is a lug. He’s kind of a jerk, but he’s not really a bad guy. Pratt has that kinda jerky and immature thing down, but you know he’ll have your back when you need him. He’s our “Guy.”

Alexa Vega as Beatriz Bonilla da Costa/Fire

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I remember Vega from the Spy Kids movies. It would be nice to see her in something again.

Evanna Lynch as Tora Olafsdotter/Ice

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There’s something otherworldly about Lynch. I could totally see her as a Norwegian tinker who occasionally cuddles with seals.

Archie Kao as Ryan Choi/The Atom

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Kao has kicked butt as a Power Ranger and gotten his science on as a member of CSI Classic’s merry band of lab monkeys. That’s good enough for me.

Tyler Posey as Jaime Reyes/Blue Beetle III

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From what I’ve seen of Posey in Teen Wolf, he’s pretty believable as a shy teenager dealing with a secret identity. I’d happily let him suit up as the new Blue Beetle.

Top 10 Books of 2011

I think there’s a pretty even split between books published in 2011 and those published before. Also, there are more than ten books listed here…that’s what happens when you read a lot of series.

1. The Astounding, The Amazing, and the Unknown, by Paul Malmont

A sequel of sorts to The Chinatown Death Cloud Peril, Malmont’s latest novel focuses on a group of sci-fi writers–Isaac Asimov, Robert Heinlein, and others–who worked on the Philadelphia Experiment during World War II. Like his previous novel, Malmont throws in a load of cameos (look for a young Vonnegut), as well as bringing back the stars of Death Cloud.

2. The Hunger Games Trilogy, by Suzanne Collins

I’m not really a fan of stories set in dystopian futures. But, there’s enough going on in The Hunger Games to make me forget that it’s set in a dystopia. I’d bought the first book shortly after it came out, but had never gotten around to reading it, and I’m glad I waited, since I devoured all three pretty quickly.

3. Warehouse 13: A Touch of Fever, by Greg Cox

I love Warehouse 13 and I love media tie-ins. Admittedly, some tie-ins are better than others, and I think this is one of the better ones. The usual Warehouse banter is there (although, at times, Artie doesn’t feel “right”), plus we get to see artifacts that we’d probably never get a chance to see on TV.

4. The Lost Hero and The Son of Neptune (Heroes of Olympus) and The Throne of Fire (The Kane Chronicles), by Rick Riordan

  

If you slap Rick Riordan’s name on a book, I’m probably going to read it. After finishing up the Percy Jackson series, I was excited to hear that the campers from Camp Half-Blood would be appearing in a second series. In addition to introducing new demigods, Heroes of Olympus plays with the idea that the Greeks and Romans had very similar myths. The second book in the Egyptian-based Kane Chronicles series proves that Riordan’s brain is basically an encyclopedia of world mythology.

5. Ghost Story, by Jim Butcher

The latest book in the Dresden Files series manages to accomplish three things: it places protagonist Harry Dresden in a position where his usual skills are useless, it sheds some light on Harry’s past, and it explores the nature of magic in the Dresdenverse.

6. My Soul to Steal and If I Die, by Rachel Vincent

 

The adventures of teen bean sidhe Kaylee Cavanaugh continue in the latest two novels in Vincent’s Soul Screamers series. Vincent doesn’t make life easy for Kaylee, or the readers who adore her. Without spoiling anything, I will say that I did not see the ending of If I Die coming…and I can’t wait to read the next book.

7. Unfamiliar Fishes, by Sarah Vowell

I don’t read a lot of nonfiction, but I always make time for Sarah Vowell’s latest book (I have never hidden the fact that I have a giant brain-crush on Vowell). Vowell looks at the annexation and eventual Americanization of the Hawaiian Islands with her usual dry sense of humor and seemingly endless supply of pop culture references and American history factoids.

8. A Clash of Kings, A Storm of Swords, and A Feast for Crows, by George R. R. Martin

  

I’m going to assume that I don’t have to explain what Martin’s fantasy epic is all about. Thanks to HBO, I think everyone knows about A Song of Ice and Fire by now. I’ve tried to spread these books out, so I don’t have to wait too long for the next book, but now I find myself in the unfortunate position of needing to decide if I want to get the newest book from the library or wait until the paperback comes out. Since the first book in the series, Martin never fails to surprise me–and both A Storm of Swords and A Feast for Crows have some series WTF moments.

9. The Snow Queen’s Shadow, by Jim C. Hines

This is the final book in Hines’s series that blends fairy tale princesses with Charlie’s Angels. I was really nervous going in, since for most authors “final book in a series” usually means “KILL ALL THE THINGS!!!!” While the bittersweet finale had a fair share of heartbreaking moments, it ends on a hopeful note.

10. The Trouble with Demons and Bewitched & Betrayed, by Lisa Shearin

  

There are a lot of series out there that mix fantasy elements with modern detective stories. Shearin’s series was the first one I found that took a typical fantasy world and infused it with elements of detective fiction. Raine Benares is an elf, a mage, and a seeker (her world’s version of a private investigator). She’s tough, sarcastic, and wanted by every dark mage, demon, and corrupt politician on the Isle of Mid and beyond.

Top 10 Movies of 2011

I always say that I don’t really go to the movies that often… But, I actually managed to see seven of these in the theater. As for the remainder: Thank you, Netflix.

1. Paul

After seeing Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, I expected Paul to be more of the same. Imagine my surprise when it turned out to be less of an homage to–or pastiche of–an alien encounter story and much more akin to a stoner road trip movie. Pegg and Frost can truly do no wrong.

2. Dylan Dog: Dead of Night

So, there’s this parallel universe where Clark Kent and Jimmy Olsen fight zombies, werewolves, and vampires. Dylan Dog seemingly came and went in about a day, which is too bad because it was a lot of fun. And, after seeing this, I could see Brandon Routh playing Harry Dresden.

3. X-Men: First Class

An X-Men movie where the X-Men actually fight evil…amazing! I’m willing to forgive Magneto’s whiny mommy issues and the fact that Xavier continues to be inexplicably British.

4. Bridesmaids

An example of how not to market a movie. Every piece of promotional material for Bridesmaids compared it to The Hangover, a movie I have less than no desire to see. Thankfully, I listened to the opinions of people I actually trust and I was rewarded with a movie that is perfect on so many levels.

5. Captain America: The First Avenger

Cap was always the one Avenger that I found to be next to impossible to cast. But, man, does Chris Evans capture him perfectly. This movie gets Captain America; it gets that, no matter how strong or fast he is, it’s the man that Steve Rogers was before that makes Cap who he is.

6. Page Eight

A tense, British spy thriller starring Bill Nighy and Rachel Weisz. Any one of those things would make this a movie I wanted to see. All of them together? Score.

7. Thor

Not the best of Marvel’s 2011 offerings (sorry, that honor goes to Cap), but Thor was a ton of fun with a lot of heart. I could have done without a lot of the political shenanigans on Asgard and with a lot more Darcy…but, what can you do?

8. Super 8

I grew up on movies like Goonies, Flight of the Navigator, and Explorers. Super 8 recaptured the spirit of those movies and several others.

9. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2

Do I even have to explain? I’ll watch all eight movies in a row just to see the last fifteen minutes of Deathly Hallows 2.

10. The Muppets

I saw more than one review that called The Muppets “fan fiction.” I think that’s just a term used by people who think they’re too cool to admit to liking something. This movie was a love letter to a group of characters that we’ve all grown up watching. Deal with it. Also: I’m pretty sure this is what it’s like in Jason Segel’s head 24/7.