Let's Cast…THE A-TEAM

Ever since Hollywood ran out of original ideas in 1993 and started strip-mining old movies and TV shows for ideas, one movie that I’ve been waiting for has been The A-Team. This was, by far, my favorite show growing up and, not surprising, one of the shows that my friends and I have played “Dream Cast” with since college. Now it looks like it might actually happen. John Singleton’s been attached to the project, and a tentative release date has been set.

The Plot: As with Avengers, let’s keep this sucker simple. Set it in the 80s. Have the Team be Vietnam vets like they’re supposed to be. Send them off to help some helpless folks against organized crime or crooked businessmen, with the MPs in hot pursuit. It worked for years on TV, it’ll work on the big screen.

And here’s the cast:

Michael Biehn as John “Hannibal” Smith

Hannibal’s tough. He needs to be smart and bad-ass and more than a little insane. Biehn’s got tough in spades. Plus, he’s grizzled up nicely since Terminator.

Rob Lowe as Templeton “Faceman” Peck

You’re probably saying “What the hell?” It’s easy to think of Face as just “the pretty boy”, but he was also pretty good in a fight. There’s a severe lack of pretty actors who also look like they could convincingly take on a bunch of thugs. Lowe has something. I don’t know what it is, but he has it.

Woody Harrelson as H.M. “Howling Mad” Murdock

Singleton’s actually looking at Harrelson to play everyone’s favorite insane pilot. To be honest, I’m more than a little pissed that I didn’t think of it myself. Woody’s perfect.

UPDATE: Y’know, Woody would be okay and all…but, that more I think about it, the more I think Alan Tudyk would do an amazing job as Murdock. He can play crazed pretty well, plus he has fictional pilot experience:

Ving Rhames as Bosco “B.A.” Baracus

B.A.’s just as tough to cast as Hannibal. He needs to be totally imposing when you first see him, but capable of turning into a huge pussycat whenever kids or old ladies are around. I think if Rhames can play Kojak, he probably has the chops to play B.A.

UPDATE: What the hell was I thinking? MMA fighter Kimbo Slice is B.A.

Kristen Bell as Amy Amanda Allen

Amy was the “civilian” reporter who sometimes helped the Team out, while supposedly writing an investigative piece on their exploits. Is she necessary for the movie? Probably not. But if you need that hard-to-find blend of girl-next-door sass and tough-as-nails sex appeal, you call Bell.

Keith Carradine as Col. Roderick Decker

Decker was the dude who chased the A-Team for most of the show’s run. A few years ago, I might have said Tommy Lee Jones should play him, but I think Jones might be tired playing a guy who chases the heroes around. Besides, Keith Carradine needs to be in more movies.

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I Love It When A Plan Comes Together

Which member of the A-Team are you?

You’re H.M. Murdock.

“They call him ‘Howling Mad’ and with good reason. Once a top notch pilot, the pressures of war left Murdock mad. He is known for his smirk, variety of personas and overall mental instability. When he isn’t spending time institutionalized, Murdock is using his flying skills for the A-Team, driving B.A. nuts, and talking to his imaginary dog.”

Four on the Floor #10: Best Pilots on This, or Any, Planet

The Situation: I don’t really like to fly. Unlike most people with a similar distaste for air travel, this has nothing to do with a fear that the plane will crash. Actually, I have complete and total faith in the science of flight, believing that physics will get me where I’m going alive and well. I just don’t like being cooped up in a tiny space for three, four, five, or six hours at a time. But, if any of these four were at the controls, I might re-evaluate my misgivings.

The Criteria: There are a lot of pretty cool pilots floating around the annals of pop culture (stop giggling…I said “ANNALS”). And each and every one of them could have been on this list. But, I had to pick four. And, being the geek that I am, I had to pick these four. That doesn’t mean that I don’t respect what Maverick and Goose did in Top Gun, or that Ted Striker single-handedly landed that 707 in Airplane!, or the flying that Steven Hiller and Russel Casse did in Independence Day.

1. Hoban “Wash” Washburne

He might be a spastic, plastic-dinosaur-loving goofball most of the time, but put Wash behind the controls of Serenity (or anything, for that matter) and he really is “a leaf on the wind.” Wash is always ready to do the right thing, even if it means leaving the safety of the cockpit and shooting a tiny little handgun.  Plus, the fact that he’s married to an Amazon like Zoe gives hope to spastic, plastic-dinosaur-loving goofballs everywhere.

2. Han Solo

Everyone makes a big deal about Luke Skywalker blowing up the Death Star.  But, Han Solo’s flown through an asteroid field, played chicken with Imperial Star Destroyers, and made the Kessel Run in under twelve parsecs, all without the benefit of Luke’s reliance on “hokey religions.”  Given the choice, I’d rather trust my life to Han’s skill and experience than to Luke’s abilities with the Force.

3. H.M. “Howling Mad” Murdock

Since most of the A-Team’s jobs didn’t take place more than a day or two’s drive from Los Angeles, it’s easy to forget that Murdock was a pilot.  In fact, on more than one occasion, Hannibal called him the best chopper pilot in ‘Nam.  Whether he was actually insane, or just really good at faking it, Murdock was an Ace in the air, and it didn’t matter if he was flying a chopper, a biplane, or a Cessna.

4. Kara “Starbuck” Thrace

Sure, she has commitment issues and, probably, a bit of a death wish, but Starbuck is a damned good Viper pilot, and she’s relentless in a dogfight.  Plus, I’m such a sucker for a dame who can out-fight, out-swear, and out-drink any man in the room.  The fact that this dame happens to be a stogie-chomping blonde is a bonus.

Four on the Floor #6: Best Teams of Savvy, Crackerjack Experts

The Situation: Let’s face it, sometimes you have a problem that’s just too big for one person–whether that person’s a swashbuckler, an ass-kicking chick, a P.I., or a Hollywood tough guy. In times like this, you need to turn to a group of experts. They could be ex-military, disgruntled conspiracy theorists, talented amateurs, or something else entirely.

The Criteria: I’ve always been partial to stories about a group of people with varying skills who come together to do something they believe in (I assume this is one of the reasons I love Michael Crichton novels and the works of Joss Whedon). So, while it might be just as effective to hire brainless muscle in certain situations, I would still prefer to give my money to a team that had the muscle, the tech guy, a mechanical genius, etc.

1. The A-Team (John “Hannibal” Smith, Templeton “Faceman” Peck, H.M. Murdock, & B.A. Baracus)

The show’s opening said it all: “If you have a problem. If no one else can help. Then, if you can find them, maybe you could hire the A-Team.” From expending a ridiculous amount of ammo to take down crooked businessmen to building an armored assault vehicle out of spare parts and a bicycle, these guys could do anything, all in the name of the helpless and the downtrodden.

2. The Lone Gunmen (John Fitzgerald Byers, Melvin Frohike & Richard Langly)

Sure, they’re paranoid conspiracy theorists more interested in debunking the Moon Landing than fighting regular crime, but when you get down to it, The Lone Gunmen can usually pull their shit together long enough to help out in a fight. If you need a computer hacked, a video analyzed, or sleazy photos to use as blackmail (and you can put up with an endless ramble about the “Magic Bullet” or Dungeons & Dragons), then the Lone Gunmen might be your guys.

3. The Team from Sneakers (Martin Bishop, Donald Crease, Erwin “Whistler” Emory, Carl Arbogast, & Darryl “Mother” Roskow)

What do you get when you combine a former 60s radical on the run from the Feds, a former C.I.A. agent, a blind sound specialist, a teenage hacker, and a daffy technical genius? You get the team from Sneakers. Whether you want to check your company’s security system or retrieve a top-secret, hi-tech dingus, these are the guys.

4. Angel Investigations (Angel, Spike, Charles Gunn, Winifred “Fred” Burkle, Wesley Wyndam-Pryce, & Lorne)

There are things out there that normal folks (even the A-Team) can’t handle. If your little brother is possessed or your teenage daughter is dating a hell-beast from an unearthly slime-pit, your best bet is to go to the folks at Angel Investigations. They’ve had a lot of staff changes over the years, but given the choice, I’d have to go with the line-up from the first half of Season 5.